It’s tricky. You’re watching your adult child struggling to find a career  - or even a job. You want to share your hard-earned wisdom and decades of experience with your kids- but they really don’t want to hear it.

I often say that parenting adult children is an exercise in biting your tongue. Sometimes the best thing to do is to just keep your mouth shut. But you really, really want to help and I understand. But read this first.

Here are a few do’s and don’ts to consider before advice bombing your kids…

Do take your own pulse first. Start with some self-awareness. Are you feeling anxious about little Susie’s chances in the workplace because money is tight in your own household?  Are you still stinging from being passed over for a promotion or grieving your own dream job that never materialized? Do you regret not going to grad school or taking that job in a new city that seemed too far away? 

Or are you proud of your own accomplishments and planning for your child to be just like you? Hint: They’re not.  Did your neighbor just tell you all about their own child’s brilliant and lucrative new position and you’re feeling a little jealous - or even disappointed in your own adult child?

It’s important to be aware of your own inner state with all your emotions, biases, expectations and preconceptions  It’s not up to your child to fulfill your unrealized dreams. Make sure you are conscious and clear about what’s going on inside your own head and heart before passing out advice to those around you.

Do acknowledge that you don’t know everything. Say it out loud in front of your adult kids. The world is truly a different place than the one in which you launched your career.  You’re reading this advice on a blog page found on the internet - very possibly from your phone which is also a camera and a computer that you carry in your pocket. None of that was possible or even imaginable when you began your career. 

The world of work is a very different place. When we as parents began our careers, entry level salaries could cover the cost of rent for a small apartment plus basic living expenses. Today, there is a huge gap between entry level salaries and the cost of living and housing. Plus, the job market is TOUGH. It often takes six months or even a year or more to find a career path job. And in light of our recent economic downturn, it’s even harder to break into many professions. And we haven’t even mentioned the staggering impact of student loan debt.

So acknowledge that it’s a different world now and you don’t know everything. Say it out loud. In front of your kids. And while you’re at it, acknowledge that your kids might know more than you do about some of these things. They’re smart. 

Do ask if they want advice. Seriously, just ask. Before launching into your “when I got my first job” speech, ask.  Maybe they’re just letting you know what’s going on. Be grateful that they are sharing the details of their life with you. Maybe they just need to vent. One of our daughters lets us know at the beginning of the phone call that she doesn’t need us to solve the problem. She just needs to talk it out - to vent - and then she can get on with her own life and get busy solving the problem herself. 

Do listen first before handing out advice. That means asking questions and really listening to their answers. And I mean, really listen. Watch their face and body language or if it’s a phone call, listen to the tone of their voice and changes in energy level.

Too often we parents think we know the answers and instead of listening or even paying attention, we’re just waiting our turn to speak while mentally rehearsing the speech we’re about to give. Squash the urge to speechify and just listen. Ask good, thoughtful, genuine questions. And a good thoughtful question never begins with “Don’t you think you should…” 

Don’t treat them all the same. Understand your child’s individuality - what works with one daughter may not work well the other. Be sensitive to what’s going on in their life. If they just ended a long-term relationship (or even a short term relationship), this is not the right time for a “how to find a new job” speech. Timing is crucial.

Don’t expect them to tell you all about their finances. They are adults. Respect their adulthood and their privacy. However, if they are living at home, you can expect them to contribute in some way to the household. Have an upfront conversation with them about expenses and expectations. It will go a long way to creating a more harmonious household.

Do encourage independence. They need to be in charge of their own resumes and job search strategies. If they are university grads, encourage them to check with the university alumni career service. Universities often offer some services to help graduates find jobs. If asked, you can help out by sharing their resume with your own network. If you really want to help, hire a career coach or offer to pay for a resume service.

Do not call employers on their behalf or, under ANY circumstances go with them to a job interview. (Yes, it happens). I really can’t stress this enough. They are adults. It’s time to stop helicopter parenting. Enough said.

And most importantly, don’t be upset if they don’t take your advice. They probably won’t. 

Anita Flowers is a career specialist and resume writer at Blue Sage Career Strategies and a mother of two young adults. She is available for coaching with young adults or with parents who need to talk through these issues. Contact her here for a free initial consultation.